The Little Things

God has granted me a special peace this week. I'm not sure what I've done to deserve it...I've been less-than-stellar at sticking to my Lenten goals (I honestly forgot that Thin Mints were 'chocolate'), I haven't exactly stopped complaining (something I vowed to God I would work on), and yet, as I rode into work on the train this morning, I felt a strange sense of calm wash over me... for the first time in a long time, I really did feel at peace.

Perhaps it's because this is a slow week for me, medically-speaking. Not anything specific to "worry about," except, in reality...well, everything. But for whatever reason, I'm not focused on that right now. I am currently between treatments, waiting for a few test results to roll in, and ready to proceed through this cycle "unmedicated." All of this is in preparation for my new insurance plan, which will kick in next month. This special insurance plan is established for women that are medically considered "infertile," a category which I now technically fall into.

You would think this alone would be enough to throw me into a new wave of panic. But oddly enough, it hasn't. Maybe it's because, ever since I lost my sweet Savannah last February, and even though people tried to assure me otherwise, I have been aware for some time now that my road to motherhood would not be an easy one. I somehow just knew that there would be many roadblocks ahead, and that has certainly proven true. So I guess, in a sense, this just feels like the next chapter of my journey. My long, terrible, wonderful, confusing, emotional, strange, overwhelming, yet incredibly blessed journey.

Because I am blessed. Through all of the pain and the heartache, and there has been so very much of both, I have never for a moment doubted that God loves me. It's evident in my every day life, and I can't deny it. I have an incredible family that has stood by me in good times and in bad, always encouraging my spiritual growth and always supporting me, no matter how difficult my situation. I have friends, near and far, that love me and pray for me, and laugh with me, and raise a glass of wine with me when I need it most! I have an amazing, loving, adorable, brave, smart, handsome, best-friend of a husband, without whom I could not imagine my life today. In fact, we are celebrating three amazing years together TOMORROW. What a curious and beautiful plan you have created for our lives, God! I wonder where we will be three years from now!

I am also finally coming to understand, VERY slowly, but surely, that to suffer is in and of itself a blessing. Difficult, yes. But a blessing none the less. I am not the first person to understand this, and so I will not claim that this is an original insight. But you know that old expression "easier said than done?" That applies here, BIG TIME. People can spout platitudes at you all day long, with the very best of intentions, but it's not until you spend some time with God examining your own heart that any amount of truth becomes real in your own life. I like to read my Magnificat in the morning on the train, and so often on those long, dirty, cramped rides, filled with noises and chatter and the smell of coffee and burnt rubber, I feel like God is reaching for me. And it's not because He is coming to me in any special way...rather, it is because I am coming to Him, undistracted, fully devoted, and ready to listen. I hear Him during those times, and lately, in a new and special way, I have felt Him binding up my wounds. He is charging me to consecrate my suffering to Christ. He is gently assuring me that my suffering is a gift. Like a Father, He has had to tell me these things more than once...and I expect that will continue, since I am so stubborn. But I do hear it, and I do understand. And the more often I hear it, the more I believe it. And the more I believe it, the deeper my peace.

So, while it lasts, as I have no illusions about my tendency to swing wildly from one emotional extreme to another (I am, after all, a woman!), I am reflecting on the 'little things' that make my life so special. The many little things that, while fleeting, have brought me so much joy. The many ways that God has shown His love to me over these past few weeks, and reinforced my momentary peace from this heavy cross of infertility. I am grateful, and humbled, and feeling very loved.

New haircut! Still getting used to it, but I am glad for a change. And look at my husband proudly repping my college! I love it.

A glass of sparkling wine (me) and a spiked root beer (husband) at a wine bar near our new home. I will toast to my marriage, and to our new home, while I still have the ability to toast!

                                  

The PERFECT coat rack for my new house, found at an antique store while browsing with my mom. 

Small victories, people.

As difficult as this winter has been, LOOK at this...so much beauty, it's hard to be miserable!

Went to a mid-week Pat Metheny concert with my brother and Dad last week, which was so much fun. I tend to sit these things out, as I am a grandma who usually goes to bed around 9 PM. I'm so glad I pushed myself to go. It was a great night, and I got to spend some great quality time with two of my favorite men!

Happy belated St. Patrick's Day from a proud Irish Catholic girl! Working at a super Irish law firm has its perks, one of which is receiving GREEN RIVER on our special high holiday! Drinking this super sweet sugary soda that turned my tongue green really took me back...to a time when I was little, and would sit with my family at a nearby restaurant, order a Green River, color on the menu, and dream of the day when I could bring my own kids to a restaurant for THEIR first taste of Green River...someday very soon, I know.

This Lent, I vow to focus more on these 'little things,' even when the 'big thing' threatens to destroy all of my peace and happiness. I will not give in. Slow and steady wins the race, after all. I don't know about steady, but I am definitely slow. 

But it will all be worth it. This I know.

xoxo,