A Thought
I had a thought yesterday. I was standing in line at Smashburger, already combating a terribly bad mood, squeezing the bridge of my nose to keep angry tears from spilling down my cheeks, when this adorable 20-something woman turned around to greet a friend, and her big fat belly almost knocked me over.
She was, of course, somewhere between 7-8 months pregnant. But from the front, I had absolutely no idea.
First of all, good for her! That's an amazing feat, to look so great while pregnant. But, as I always selfishly do, I turned this realization back around to myself, and began to understand something.
This week, and for many other weeks actually, I have been walking around with a storm cloud over my head. Terrible, but true. I grumble, I stomp, I clench my fists and teeth, I harden my face to keep from crying. But no one knows why, no one will understand, no one will see my suffering...unless I turn around and face the world.
Maybe I will make this blog public. Not because I feel I have some unique gift to heal, or because I think my writing is so important that it needs to be shared, but maybe just... because it's time to stop hiding my grief. Infertility blogs, especially those written by women of strong faith, have been such a blessing to me over this past year. And if I could help even one woman to feel like, at the very least, she is not alone...well then that would be reward enough for me.
Just like the adorable pregnant woman who, yes, you guessed it, made me awkwardly start to cry in line at Smashburger, I should turn around, face the world, and be who I really am. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, angry, happy, sad, all of it. We are struggle, and we all suffer, and we all find joy, and we all feel pain. It's important to share these experiences with one another, to know that we are not alone on this long and winding journey. It is important to enjoy fellowship with one another, during the good times, and more importantly, the not so good times. God put us all on Earth together for a reason. We need each other, even when we don't like to admit it.
This will be a slow process for me. If you're reading my earliest posts, you can see that I intended this blog to be a way of sharing my pregnancy news, of updating friends and family on my health and progress, and of sharing my joy with those I love. God has certainly dealt me a different hand. I will never understand His reasons, but I will continue to persevere in this journey. I will trust in His plan, whatever that entails. And I will pray for, and cry with, and cling to those near and far, those very brave women, that are experiencing the same things, or many more, than I am. You are in my heart and prayers, now and always.
Another thought I had while scanning the archive of a favorite Catholic infertility blogger of mine. Yesterday I found myself reading her earliest posts, trying to relate to how she was feeling at her lowest, before she was blessed with three beautiful children both biologically and through adoption. And suddenly, I felt a glimmer of hope. If I had the luxury of scanning through the "archive" of my own life in another year, five years, ten years, what would I see? I expect that, however my life unfolds, I will look back at these years a precursor to the greatest joy I have ever known. Although today I feel broken, abandoned, empty...I know that someday I will be filled with real joy. I am already a mother, and I know my angels are interceding for me daily. I also know that my earthly children are waiting for me, each an individual twinkle in God's eye, ready to barrel into my world and change it forever. Patience, patience, patience. Be still and know that He is God. The "archive" of my life will be a beautiful thing.
In the meantime, I must enjoy life as it is today. Sensing my mood, my husband was the one who "dragged me" to Smashburger last night...to buy me a giant burger, delicious fries, a caramel shake, and then to take me home for foot rubs and a "Parks and Recreation" marathon. What an amazing man I married. My blessings abound, in the midst of my sorrow. I must try and remind myself of this every single day.
If only we had Smashburgers on every block to cheer us up when we need it most. What a dream.
xoxo,
She was, of course, somewhere between 7-8 months pregnant. But from the front, I had absolutely no idea.
First of all, good for her! That's an amazing feat, to look so great while pregnant. But, as I always selfishly do, I turned this realization back around to myself, and began to understand something.
This week, and for many other weeks actually, I have been walking around with a storm cloud over my head. Terrible, but true. I grumble, I stomp, I clench my fists and teeth, I harden my face to keep from crying. But no one knows why, no one will understand, no one will see my suffering...unless I turn around and face the world.
Maybe I will make this blog public. Not because I feel I have some unique gift to heal, or because I think my writing is so important that it needs to be shared, but maybe just... because it's time to stop hiding my grief. Infertility blogs, especially those written by women of strong faith, have been such a blessing to me over this past year. And if I could help even one woman to feel like, at the very least, she is not alone...well then that would be reward enough for me.
Just like the adorable pregnant woman who, yes, you guessed it, made me awkwardly start to cry in line at Smashburger, I should turn around, face the world, and be who I really am. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, angry, happy, sad, all of it. We are struggle, and we all suffer, and we all find joy, and we all feel pain. It's important to share these experiences with one another, to know that we are not alone on this long and winding journey. It is important to enjoy fellowship with one another, during the good times, and more importantly, the not so good times. God put us all on Earth together for a reason. We need each other, even when we don't like to admit it.
This will be a slow process for me. If you're reading my earliest posts, you can see that I intended this blog to be a way of sharing my pregnancy news, of updating friends and family on my health and progress, and of sharing my joy with those I love. God has certainly dealt me a different hand. I will never understand His reasons, but I will continue to persevere in this journey. I will trust in His plan, whatever that entails. And I will pray for, and cry with, and cling to those near and far, those very brave women, that are experiencing the same things, or many more, than I am. You are in my heart and prayers, now and always.
Another thought I had while scanning the archive of a favorite Catholic infertility blogger of mine. Yesterday I found myself reading her earliest posts, trying to relate to how she was feeling at her lowest, before she was blessed with three beautiful children both biologically and through adoption. And suddenly, I felt a glimmer of hope. If I had the luxury of scanning through the "archive" of my own life in another year, five years, ten years, what would I see? I expect that, however my life unfolds, I will look back at these years a precursor to the greatest joy I have ever known. Although today I feel broken, abandoned, empty...I know that someday I will be filled with real joy. I am already a mother, and I know my angels are interceding for me daily. I also know that my earthly children are waiting for me, each an individual twinkle in God's eye, ready to barrel into my world and change it forever. Patience, patience, patience. Be still and know that He is God. The "archive" of my life will be a beautiful thing.
In the meantime, I must enjoy life as it is today. Sensing my mood, my husband was the one who "dragged me" to Smashburger last night...to buy me a giant burger, delicious fries, a caramel shake, and then to take me home for foot rubs and a "Parks and Recreation" marathon. What an amazing man I married. My blessings abound, in the midst of my sorrow. I must try and remind myself of this every single day.
If only we had Smashburgers on every block to cheer us up when we need it most. What a dream.
xoxo,
No comments: