I Must Admit...
...that I am feeling...kinda happy.
**CORNY ALERT**
No big deal, right? It's Friday...almost springtime...I've got a pile of Swedish Fish on my desk just waiting to be devoured... but, as I type this, I'm realizing...and I'm embarrassed to even type it... that I haven't been happy, really happy, in a very long time.
Hopeful, occasionally. Feeling blessed, certainly. But happy? It's been awhile. Not because I have anything less than a BEAUTIFUL life, but because my big wooden cross has been casting such a large shadow that, despite my best efforts, I've been stuck in the dark.
But it's sunny today. Outside of my window, and in my heart. I had forgotten what this felt like. I want it to last forever.
I believe it's all part of the peace that God has been gifting me...little by little, some days more than others, but present nonetheless. Happiness is one of those things that you don't miss until you lose it. Sometimes happiness manifests itself as mere contentedness, seemingly unworthy of acknowledgment, and on these days you take for granted the very thing that is keeping you going. I have missed you, old friend. Happy happy happy, and happy to be happy.
I had a great doctor's appointment yesterday. My mom (trooper that she is) accompanied me to my appointment, where I had a sonohysterogram and consultation. The test was a bit painful, but nothing this old pro (yeah right) couldn't handle. PRAISE GOD, my tubes are both open and clear, there is ZERO scar tissue in my uterus, and to top it all of, my big bad septum is 100% GONE! WHAT AMAZING NEWS after such a long winter (literally and figuratively)!
As I mentioned before, I am proceeding through this cycle unmedicated. But that doesn't mean that I won't be 'trying,' even just a little. I know that God will bless me with this gift when He is ready, and not before. I only have to show up. So that's what I intend to do...just keep showin' up.
I met a young woman at work a few months ago that I liked a lot, but hadn't had the chance to talk to much. This week at a work event, I discovered that she is experiencing terrible awful infertility, just like me. But unlike me, she has yet to feel the joy of a single pregnancy. I wanted to hug her and cry, but instead, I listened as she explained her situation to me...a situation I am all too familiar with. I told her that I would pray for her, and she said the same to me. It was a special moment.
God continues to show me how much I NEED others, and what a relief it can be to share your problems with fellow sufferers. It bonds you immediately. These women are forever in my hearts and never far from my thoughts. We form a silent yet brave (they more than I) community, one of immense pain and suffering, but also of great hope and joy, and for this I am thankful.
I am also thanking God today for the small blessings that I tend to overlook when I'm stuck in my "storm cloud." Not today, God. Today, I realized that you have blessed me with a medical laboratory just one short block from my office, so that I can have my blood drawn conveniently, and as frequently as I need to. Just like you blessed me with a lab a mere mile from my office in Minnesota. Thank you, Lord, for delivering the miracle of modern medicine right to my doorstep!
And thank you, God, for my amazing doctors. As angry as I have gotten at them (misdirected, always) over these last few years, they are a gift to me. Especially my doctor now. I won't mention him by name, but if ever you need a recommendation for a Catholic OB in the Chicagoland area, please contact me. My doctor has been such an amazing Godsend--prayerful, brilliant, patient, and kind. He has picked me up so many times this year--more therapist than doctor, sometimes!--and has never given up on me, or my future family. I believe without a doubt that he is God's instrument, and I am so lucky to be his patient.
This post is a bit disjointed, but that's because it's how I feel today...this happiness has me confused and all-over-the-place!
But, I'll take it. I'll take this feeling any day.
God, thank you, thank you, thank you... for creating me in Your image, for blessing me with the joy of physical and spiritual motherhood, for providing me with loving friends and family, for allowing me access to the miracle of medicine, for drawing me closer to You each day.
God is love, love fills my heart, and I am so very happy.
xoxo,
**CORNY ALERT**
No big deal, right? It's Friday...almost springtime...I've got a pile of Swedish Fish on my desk just waiting to be devoured... but, as I type this, I'm realizing...and I'm embarrassed to even type it... that I haven't been happy, really happy, in a very long time.
Hopeful, occasionally. Feeling blessed, certainly. But happy? It's been awhile. Not because I have anything less than a BEAUTIFUL life, but because my big wooden cross has been casting such a large shadow that, despite my best efforts, I've been stuck in the dark.
But it's sunny today. Outside of my window, and in my heart. I had forgotten what this felt like. I want it to last forever.
I believe it's all part of the peace that God has been gifting me...little by little, some days more than others, but present nonetheless. Happiness is one of those things that you don't miss until you lose it. Sometimes happiness manifests itself as mere contentedness, seemingly unworthy of acknowledgment, and on these days you take for granted the very thing that is keeping you going. I have missed you, old friend. Happy happy happy, and happy to be happy.
I had a great doctor's appointment yesterday. My mom (trooper that she is) accompanied me to my appointment, where I had a sonohysterogram and consultation. The test was a bit painful, but nothing this old pro (yeah right) couldn't handle. PRAISE GOD, my tubes are both open and clear, there is ZERO scar tissue in my uterus, and to top it all of, my big bad septum is 100% GONE! WHAT AMAZING NEWS after such a long winter (literally and figuratively)!
As I mentioned before, I am proceeding through this cycle unmedicated. But that doesn't mean that I won't be 'trying,' even just a little. I know that God will bless me with this gift when He is ready, and not before. I only have to show up. So that's what I intend to do...just keep showin' up.
I met a young woman at work a few months ago that I liked a lot, but hadn't had the chance to talk to much. This week at a work event, I discovered that she is experiencing terrible awful infertility, just like me. But unlike me, she has yet to feel the joy of a single pregnancy. I wanted to hug her and cry, but instead, I listened as she explained her situation to me...a situation I am all too familiar with. I told her that I would pray for her, and she said the same to me. It was a special moment.
God continues to show me how much I NEED others, and what a relief it can be to share your problems with fellow sufferers. It bonds you immediately. These women are forever in my hearts and never far from my thoughts. We form a silent yet brave (they more than I) community, one of immense pain and suffering, but also of great hope and joy, and for this I am thankful.
I am also thanking God today for the small blessings that I tend to overlook when I'm stuck in my "storm cloud." Not today, God. Today, I realized that you have blessed me with a medical laboratory just one short block from my office, so that I can have my blood drawn conveniently, and as frequently as I need to. Just like you blessed me with a lab a mere mile from my office in Minnesota. Thank you, Lord, for delivering the miracle of modern medicine right to my doorstep!
And thank you, God, for my amazing doctors. As angry as I have gotten at them (misdirected, always) over these last few years, they are a gift to me. Especially my doctor now. I won't mention him by name, but if ever you need a recommendation for a Catholic OB in the Chicagoland area, please contact me. My doctor has been such an amazing Godsend--prayerful, brilliant, patient, and kind. He has picked me up so many times this year--more therapist than doctor, sometimes!--and has never given up on me, or my future family. I believe without a doubt that he is God's instrument, and I am so lucky to be his patient.
This post is a bit disjointed, but that's because it's how I feel today...this happiness has me confused and all-over-the-place!
But, I'll take it. I'll take this feeling any day.
God, thank you, thank you, thank you... for creating me in Your image, for blessing me with the joy of physical and spiritual motherhood, for providing me with loving friends and family, for allowing me access to the miracle of medicine, for drawing me closer to You each day.
God is love, love fills my heart, and I am so very happy.
xoxo,
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