Mama Holi, For Real

HELLO WORLD.

I feel I owe the blogosphere a little explanation.

I am not the first (nor will I be the last) mama to say that life has changed in an indescribable way since little Eily graced us with her presence. I know I have checked in a few times, but I'm not sure I've been able to accurately capture how...different everything is now. Not just me, not just my husband, not just my family, but...everything. People. The outside world. Life as I knew it.

Things are just different.

And I am so very glad they are.

I was Mama Holi from the moment I first discovered that I was pregnant with my Savannah, but now, I am a Mama for real. By that, I do not mean that my motherhood was not "real" before Eileen was born, but since her birth, I am a Mama in my everyday, public, and private life. I am a mama in my everyday thoughts, words, and actions. I am mama when I wake up, and I am a mama when I go sleep. When the world sees me, they see me as a mama. When strangers meet me, they know right away that I am a mama. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night, because I no longer have to hide that I am a mama.

I am the "real" Mama Holi, and I will never be the original Mama Holi ever again.

I write this not to make anyone sad, but simply to record my thoughts, so feel free to skip over this post if discussions of motherhood/past infertility are triggers for you. I certainly understand.

That being said, I am so, so, so thankful for this transition. Truly, though short-lived compared to the suffering of others, during that time I was waiting for my "forever" baby, I thought I might die under the weight of my childlessness. Some days, I literally didn't believe that I could find the strength to go on. But somehow, I did. And I waited. And in an instant, the world changed forever. And it will never be the same.

How many of us have tried to put into words the all-consuming joy/fear/love/happiness that is motherhood? I can't do it justice, so I won't even try. In short, it's this...

...and this...

...and this...

...and so, so, so much more.

I guess, when it comes down to it, I don't feel like I belong here anymore. And the reason for that is, I'm no longer Mama Holi.

Instead, I'm the real Mama Holi. The one I always dreamt of being. The one I've longed to be. 

And my heart is so full.

I still check in on you ladies and pray for you daily. I will most likely still use this blog to post intermittently, and very likely will blog about my next pregnancy (hopefully in the near future)! I am so thankful for the friendships I have made in this community, for the prayers I've received, and for the love I have felt. You are amazing, strong, brave, unbelievable women. Thank you for being you.

So, until next time, God bless all of you. 

xo,

Mama Holi