Levels
Had a CD21 blood draw yesterday, on this, my "threat cycle" as my doctor calls it...the cycle before I "up the ante" and switch to the heavy drugs, injections, high doses etc. etc...the cycle that DARES my body to get pregnant unmedicated, because wouldn't that be the joke of all jokes!...and, well, the levels aren't great.
My estrogen is 251, and my progesterone is 3.5. 3.5!!!!! Just last month I was in the 500's! That was on supplementation of course, but still, this just solidifies to me the fact that my body is on strike. It is NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY without drugs. It's not making the correct hormones. As hard as I am trying to take care of it, it is not taking care of me.
My doctor feels that these numbers are consistent with early post-ovulation, or near menstruation. By my own count, I am about a week out from each, so this confuses me. The possibilities are: a) I did not ovulate at all, or b) I ovulated late, which does not exactly bode well.
But this was a threat cycle! I "wasn't even thinking about getting pregnant" this time! Why do I care so much that these numbers are so low?!
Because, there is no "I'm not thinking about getting pregnant." There is no real "threat cycle," not to me. A cycle is a cycle is a cycle, a chance to get pregnant, one step closer to holding a baby in my arms.
And I failed. Again. I can't believe I failed again.
These months are really stacking up. After my second miscarriage, though I was certainly a Debbie Downer, part of me really did believe that maybe I had been truly unlucky two times in a row. While I was fearful of more miscarriages, I was fairly confident that I would at least be pregnant again soon, and could work towards solving the riddle that is my body.
What. is. happening.
My doctor told me to pray for a miracle, because, as the old saying going, it ain't over 'til the Fat Lady sings (in this case, the Fat Lady's name is AF). And I will pray, of course I will pray. But I need a good cry too. I can't believe I'm still not pregnant. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I thought this would be over by now. Instead, I'm exactly where I was in July... just more scared, and more lonely.
Savannah, Anne, my sweet girls, please intercede for me. I miss you both so much; it physically pains me to be away from you. It's difficult to wake up in the morning knowing you're not here. It's hard to get myself ready for the long commute to work; instead I wish I had a short commute, down the hall, into your bedroom, to the side of your cribs, to live out my real vocation, my real dreams. I know you're in heaven waiting for me, and that does make me smile. Still, I selfishly wish I could have had more time with you--to take care of you, watch you grow, love you with all my heart. Although my first two dreams are gone, my overwhelming love for you will never fade. Never, never, never.
Sweet angels, please pray for me. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.
xoxo,
My estrogen is 251, and my progesterone is 3.5. 3.5!!!!! Just last month I was in the 500's! That was on supplementation of course, but still, this just solidifies to me the fact that my body is on strike. It is NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY without drugs. It's not making the correct hormones. As hard as I am trying to take care of it, it is not taking care of me.
My doctor feels that these numbers are consistent with early post-ovulation, or near menstruation. By my own count, I am about a week out from each, so this confuses me. The possibilities are: a) I did not ovulate at all, or b) I ovulated late, which does not exactly bode well.
But this was a threat cycle! I "wasn't even thinking about getting pregnant" this time! Why do I care so much that these numbers are so low?!
Because, there is no "I'm not thinking about getting pregnant." There is no real "threat cycle," not to me. A cycle is a cycle is a cycle, a chance to get pregnant, one step closer to holding a baby in my arms.
And I failed. Again. I can't believe I failed again.
These months are really stacking up. After my second miscarriage, though I was certainly a Debbie Downer, part of me really did believe that maybe I had been truly unlucky two times in a row. While I was fearful of more miscarriages, I was fairly confident that I would at least be pregnant again soon, and could work towards solving the riddle that is my body.
What. is. happening.
My doctor told me to pray for a miracle, because, as the old saying going, it ain't over 'til the Fat Lady sings (in this case, the Fat Lady's name is AF). And I will pray, of course I will pray. But I need a good cry too. I can't believe I'm still not pregnant. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I thought this would be over by now. Instead, I'm exactly where I was in July... just more scared, and more lonely.
Savannah, Anne, my sweet girls, please intercede for me. I miss you both so much; it physically pains me to be away from you. It's difficult to wake up in the morning knowing you're not here. It's hard to get myself ready for the long commute to work; instead I wish I had a short commute, down the hall, into your bedroom, to the side of your cribs, to live out my real vocation, my real dreams. I know you're in heaven waiting for me, and that does make me smile. Still, I selfishly wish I could have had more time with you--to take care of you, watch you grow, love you with all my heart. Although my first two dreams are gone, my overwhelming love for you will never fade. Never, never, never.
Sweet angels, please pray for me. I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here.
xoxo,
Oh how my heart aches for you! I can relate to so much of what you're saying here. Beautifully said. Prayers!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much.
DeleteThat's so frustrating! I'm sorry for the low levels and unsuccessful cycle. It's a bummer even if you *know* that's the expected outcome. I find it impossible not to get my hopes up each and every cycle, even if I have no reason at all to believe this will be *the* cycle.
ReplyDeletePrayers for peace and healing!!
Thank you! It helps to know that others are experiencing the same roller coaster of emotions that I am...prayers for you as well :)
DeleteHi Em, thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi. My heart goes out to you after reading this post. I am sending you warm thoughts, and you'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your prayers, Chella! And thank you for stopping by :)
Delete