To Holiday Or Not To Holiday?
Marriage is so wonderful. Loving someone, and knowing they love you back, and knowing that they have made a promise to you, in front of your friends and family and God, that they will hang out with you for the rest of your lives, is a pretty great feeling. I love my husband, and I love my marriage. We have our good days and our bad days, just like any couple, but in general, marriage is wonderful.
But you know what's not wonderful? Sub/infertility. Having to look your husband in the eye, month after month, and tell him that you're still not pregnant. Complaining about blood draws, consultations, injections, and surgeries, because sometimes, there's nothing you can do but complain. Collapsing into tears and sobs after every negative pregnancy test. Crying in the middle of random T.V. shows. Crying while playing with your sweet little nephew. Crying all the time. Not being able to cry anymore.
I can never escape this cross. Whether I'm happy, sad, or somewhere in-between, infertility is a part of me. It effects my moods, it effects my choices. It effects who I am today, and I know it will effect my future. It has made me a more vulnerable, more compassionate person--and for this I am truly thankful. But it has also caused me so much pain. While I trust that God has a plan for my life, I cannot be thankful for this pain. Not yet. I simply don't know how.
My husband and I have not taken a vacation together for over a year! First world problems, I know, and I realize this is not a right, but a PRIVILEGE. Charleston last summer was a family trip, and I was processing emotions about my second pregnancy. Savannah was our honeymoon, and I was unknowingly carrying my first pregnancy. The Bahamas was pre-engagement, and I threw up in a jazz performer's tip jar (a story for another day).
We NEED a vacation. Okay, maybe I need a vacation. I've had two major surgeries and several minor procedures this year. I've given GALLONS of blood. I've shed ten times that many tears. My husband has had to endure all of it, by my side, positive and cheerful as always. I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be to leave all of this behind...just for a week or so...travel to some distant land...and relax, breathe, kiss, hold hands, gaze at foreign sunsets, sip cocktails, see amazing sights, eat amazing food, feel AMAZING. I guess I feel like, if we went on a terrific trip, that we might feel like a NORMAL couple. That we would be able to enjoy each other, no strings attached, no terrible cloud hanging over our heads, no grief consuming our hearts...if only for a week.
But I have other things to consider. Yes, this cycle is an "unmedicated" one, but next cycle we are slated to start another round of Clomid with trigger shots. After that, Femara and more injections. After that, God only knows. And what if, God-willing, I did get pregnant? And what if we were abroad, and I was pregnant? And what if, God forbid, something went wrong again? I know, I know, all hypotheticals, but this is the brain of a sub-fertile woman. My life revolves around my babies, on earth and in heaven. I can't change that. I wouldn't, even if I could.
But still, it gets hard. It gets exhausting. It is already, and will continue to be, WORTH IT, but... am I allowed to admit that I feel worn out almost every day? A vacation, a "holiday," feels like a far-off dream...a fantasy...but why? People take vacations every day! Why can't we?
But really, I know why.
A newly-engaged friend of mine was recently talking about the "plan" after her wedding, to settle down in the city for a few years, travel Europe, and then, maybe, if they feel ready, start their family. A great plan, and I am so excited for her. Still, I can't help feeling... a bit jealous. A wasted emotion, I know. But, if only I could travel Europe... if only I could start my family, according to my own time line... if only, if only. I could get lost in "if onlys."
Should we just...go for it? Take the holiday, pretend like we are normal, trust that God will care for us? Or should we continue to dedicate ourselves 100% to the plan, our plan to grow our family, regardless of the outcome or the sacrifice?
Lord, I know you have a different plan for my life. I trust in you, but I am so weak. I cannot stop my heart from breaking every day that I do not hold my babies in my arms. Heal me, lead me, strengthen me. Bless my sisters that are also suffering. Bless my husband, and all men who support their wives as they struggle silently. Bind up our wounds, as only you can.
xoxo,
But you know what's not wonderful? Sub/infertility. Having to look your husband in the eye, month after month, and tell him that you're still not pregnant. Complaining about blood draws, consultations, injections, and surgeries, because sometimes, there's nothing you can do but complain. Collapsing into tears and sobs after every negative pregnancy test. Crying in the middle of random T.V. shows. Crying while playing with your sweet little nephew. Crying all the time. Not being able to cry anymore.
I can never escape this cross. Whether I'm happy, sad, or somewhere in-between, infertility is a part of me. It effects my moods, it effects my choices. It effects who I am today, and I know it will effect my future. It has made me a more vulnerable, more compassionate person--and for this I am truly thankful. But it has also caused me so much pain. While I trust that God has a plan for my life, I cannot be thankful for this pain. Not yet. I simply don't know how.
My husband and I have not taken a vacation together for over a year! First world problems, I know, and I realize this is not a right, but a PRIVILEGE. Charleston last summer was a family trip, and I was processing emotions about my second pregnancy. Savannah was our honeymoon, and I was unknowingly carrying my first pregnancy. The Bahamas was pre-engagement, and I threw up in a jazz performer's tip jar (a story for another day).
We NEED a vacation. Okay, maybe I need a vacation. I've had two major surgeries and several minor procedures this year. I've given GALLONS of blood. I've shed ten times that many tears. My husband has had to endure all of it, by my side, positive and cheerful as always. I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be to leave all of this behind...just for a week or so...travel to some distant land...and relax, breathe, kiss, hold hands, gaze at foreign sunsets, sip cocktails, see amazing sights, eat amazing food, feel AMAZING. I guess I feel like, if we went on a terrific trip, that we might feel like a NORMAL couple. That we would be able to enjoy each other, no strings attached, no terrible cloud hanging over our heads, no grief consuming our hearts...if only for a week.
But I have other things to consider. Yes, this cycle is an "unmedicated" one, but next cycle we are slated to start another round of Clomid with trigger shots. After that, Femara and more injections. After that, God only knows. And what if, God-willing, I did get pregnant? And what if we were abroad, and I was pregnant? And what if, God forbid, something went wrong again? I know, I know, all hypotheticals, but this is the brain of a sub-fertile woman. My life revolves around my babies, on earth and in heaven. I can't change that. I wouldn't, even if I could.
But still, it gets hard. It gets exhausting. It is already, and will continue to be, WORTH IT, but... am I allowed to admit that I feel worn out almost every day? A vacation, a "holiday," feels like a far-off dream...a fantasy...but why? People take vacations every day! Why can't we?
But really, I know why.
A newly-engaged friend of mine was recently talking about the "plan" after her wedding, to settle down in the city for a few years, travel Europe, and then, maybe, if they feel ready, start their family. A great plan, and I am so excited for her. Still, I can't help feeling... a bit jealous. A wasted emotion, I know. But, if only I could travel Europe... if only I could start my family, according to my own time line... if only, if only. I could get lost in "if onlys."
Should we just...go for it? Take the holiday, pretend like we are normal, trust that God will care for us? Or should we continue to dedicate ourselves 100% to the plan, our plan to grow our family, regardless of the outcome or the sacrifice?
Lord, I know you have a different plan for my life. I trust in you, but I am so weak. I cannot stop my heart from breaking every day that I do not hold my babies in my arms. Heal me, lead me, strengthen me. Bless my sisters that are also suffering. Bless my husband, and all men who support their wives as they struggle silently. Bind up our wounds, as only you can.
xoxo,
Wow! You are an amazing writer! I so relate to this dilemma. We struggled with it for nearly 3 years. We are finally taking our trip! The deciding factor for me was when a close family member planned a baby shower on my bday. I decided we absolutely had to get out of town and just reconnect as a couple. It is easy to forget the wonderful blessing we have in our spouse when we are so focused on the next big blessing. I think you should for it! Could you plan on having progesterone with you in case you do get a BFP while on vacay? Is there anything else the doctors could really do that early on? Forgive my ignorance. The miscarriage factor adds another level of fear and worry that I can't imagine. We will probably need to be doing progesterone injections while we're away based on my cycle this month- worse yet we may need to bring refrigerated meds with too! I know it will be worth it though.
ReplyDeleteYou're so sweet, THANK YOU! I really appreciate that. And yes, it IS a dilemma, one among many that is not easy for others to understand. I'm glad you can relate (though I wish you couldn't!), and I'm even more glad that you're getting out of town! Where are you going?! I hope it's somewhere with sun and cocktails :) And yes, we're still considering our "big trip"...I could do my best to prepare with medicine, but it's more about my fear of something "going wrong" and having to go to an international doctor. If that makes sense. But I know that at a certain point I just have to go for it...if I get brave enough :)
DeleteYes, we're going where there is sun and cocktails- Jamaica! Which is a good thing considering we got a foot of snow yesterday! Yes, going to a doctor in another country for something as important as your baby's life would be uneasy to say the least. I see everyone's convinced you to go for it though! Wine and cheese in Europe... that sounds so nice!
DeleteWe had our honeymoon in Savannah too!
ReplyDeleteAnd about that vacation? Plan it and go, I faced a similar decision a couple of years ago and, well, here is the description of it (so that I don't overfill your comment box, and just delete the spaces around the dots, I didn't want it to mark my comment as spam...): www . theroadhomewv . blogspot . com/2012/05/one-step-forward . html
Isn't Savannah GORGEOUS?! We loved the trip so much that we named our first daughter after the town :) I DO need to get planning...I know we need a vacation, I've just been too wishy washy to commit! I need to change that!
DeleteYes - we love Savannah!
DeleteDon't be too hard on yourself about the wishy-washy, just know that when you do commit, even if you have to cancel or change plans, it will be worth it. :)
I say take the vacation!!! =) We've found time away to be so rejuvenating. You're right - infertility gets all-consuming, what with having to juggle intense emotions, appts, tests, etc. etc. I find it a daily challenge to just live my life already and not let it get completely taken over by IF! Anyway, for my own personal sanity I try not to schedule my life around possible pregnancies. And I agree with Rebecca - don't be hard on yourself! This is all so tough. Prayers!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are giving me the steam I need to sit my husband down and say YOU KNOW WHAT?! WE'RE GOING TO EUROPE. Because this IS hard. And we need a break. A break with lots of wine and cheese :)
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