12 WEEKS and the Wiggles!!!

**This is a pregnancy-related post, so please feel free to skip this post if you're not up for it. I do not want anyone to feel unnecessarily sad or hurt, as I completely and 100% understand how that feels. God bless.**

...nope, not those Wiggles!

Today I am 12 WEEKS and I could not be more excited to be walking the path I am on. But not a day goes by where I do not think about where I started, and where I felt "stuck" for so many months. I hope my posts never give off the impression that I have become a "normal pregnant lady"...trust me, T and my family can attest to the fact that I am still constantly battling shadows of last year. And yet, here I am. There is a sense of calm that grows deeper as the weeks pass. I do firmly believe that despite my past, despite my fears, despite the uncertainty that makes up the very core of life... God is sovereign, and He is in control.

So here we are! At my appointment on Monday, Dr. C told me that 12 weeks marks the end of the first trimester. I know that the internet and many individuals disagree on this marker, but since it seems very exciting to me, I am going with it! Sayonara first trimester!!!!!! You were scary and awesome and hard and wonderful, but I am glad to be MOVIN' ON.

It has been a busy week. Case(s) in point:

Relaxing at the pool...for the first time in years! (Sorry for the cliche shot, had to!)

Enjoying mini day-dates with T as often as possible between our nutty schedules (and yes, he is drinking a full gallon of lemonade)

Hitting the hay around 8:30 PM (no joke dude)...which means fewer hours of daylight to get stuff done!

CONSTANT eating...don't worry, that brie was pasteurized (and delicious)!

And yes, you guessed it, my first maternity-clothes-shopping trip with mama! I couldn't believe how real it felt putting on those big-giant-paneled-pants (and watching them magically fit)!

All culminating in my amazing doctor's appointment yesterday, which was seriously one of the top three best days of my entire life.

And there's the peanut, looking so human and adorable!!!!!! When I first walked in, I knew I would most likely not be having an ultrasound--I was scheduled for an over-the-belly doppler heartbeat check, and a physical, and that was it. But somewhere in my gut I felt like I would get to take a peek after all. Little did I know that it would be fine, then terrible, then AMAZING all in the span of about five minutes!

I sat down, had my physical, and clutched my Immaculate Heart of Mary medal in absolute terror as Dr. C spread the jelly and lowered the doppler. Everyone has been telling me for weeks that everything is FINE, and so, I was choosing to believe that with my whole heart (despite obvious fear and nerves). But then 10 seconds passed, and then another 10 seconds passed after that. I wasn't hearing much, and Dr. C wasn't saying much. I couldn't take it. The flood gates opened. I started to sob and sob and sob, asking, "where is my baby's heartbeat?" "can you hear it?" "where is it?" Dr. C kind of frowned and said "I can hear it, but I just can't pick it up well." Taking another look at me, he quickly decided that I was in no position to keep waiting (neither was grandma at this point, shaking in the corner, poor thing!). 

He quickly hustled me down to the ultrasound room, plopped the wand on my belly, and all of the sudden...there she was. I could see her heartbeat flickering away before I heard it, so that helped, and then, all of the sudden...the most perfect sound! Thump thump thump...154 BPM. Just like I have always dreamed.

And then, I was blown away even further. "Will we get to see her move around today?" I asked. Then, as if on command, peanut started bouncing around like she was on a trampoline! Talk about REALLY losing it, I cried the most joyful tears I ever have in my entire life! It was amazing!!! I will include a video here in case you want to check it out for yourself, but of course I understand if you would rather not (and please ignore my sobbing in the background)...

It was...amazing. That's all I can say, really. I have never made it far enough to watch a tiny ballerina wiggling around inside my stomach. I couldn't believe it was really happening to me. It felt like a dream.

So, there you have it. Very, very scary, and then very AMAZING. HB was 154 BPM, and baby was measuring a few days behind...but Dr. C said that's very normal for this point in time (because it was hard for him to get a good measurement, due to all of the wiggling). I cried and asked him "ARE YOU SURE?!" and he humored me and said yes, normal, he's not changing my due date, etc. etc. And so here we are. All is good...GREAT!!!!!!! Like I said, I still can't believe this is actually my life.

On to the short and sweet, as if I haven't bored you enough already...

      

Last night, belly full of food...this is what I normally look like. Giant, I know. How crazy!!

And this is today, at 12 weeks on the nose. No one at work knows yet, but I have tried to be creative with my clothing. I think I failed today. A woman at the train station STARED at my belly this morning, then quickly glanced at my ring finger, and only THEN did she smile. I sure felt the wrath of judgment for a few seconds, there!

How far along?  12 weeks, and according to the doc, DONE with the 1st-tri!!! WOOO!!! Baby is the size of an apricot, so they say.

Clothing? Lots of normal clothes mixed in with my first two pairs of maternity pants. Oh, and a nursing bra! Because it has no wires in it. Feels SO much better!

Stretch marks? Honestly...I swear I saw one on my thigh already. Too early though, RIGHT?! That's what I'll keep telling myself...needless to say, cocoa butter is a daily occurrence now.

Sleep? Still have a sore lower back which makes it hard to settle, but in general, sleeping fine...minus the bathroom trips!

Best moment of this week? WATCHING MY BABY WIGGLE!!!! And re-watching the video over and over and over again... :) :) :)

Worst moment of this week? Those few minutes where we couldn't find the heartbeat were horrible. But still, I felt God with me. The silver lining of sheer terror is realizing that, even in the worst of times, God never leaves our sides.

Miss anything? Still CRAVING coffee!!! But honestly, NBD, I can hang as long as I need to.

Movement? Nothing yet, but SO EXCITED for that special day!!!

Symptoms? Fatigue, on-and-off breast tenderness, lower ab stretching/very mild cramping/RLP, mild nausea (but definitely dissipating), lots of sneezing and clearing my throat, craaaazy dreams, general soreness, CLUMSINESS, metallic-y taste in my mouth at random times, a growing belly, dumbness, and...the (faint) appearance of my linea nigra! A very strange sight indeed!

Food cravings? Coffee, grapefruit juice, bread, butter, cheese, ya know...really healthy stuff.

Gender? Still calling her by her girl name, but have a boy name picked out just in case! 

Labor Signs? No siree.

Belly button in or out? In, but it has already (creepily) spread a bit. T noticed actually. Lookin' weird already!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Mood? So so so so so so happy!!!!!!!!

Rituals? Nighttime lullaby, holy water on the belly in the morning, holy oil on the belly at night. And staring at the ultrasound pictures/watching the videos as often as I can!!!!! Along with routine bedtime chats...I'm sure the babe is sick of my voice already.

Looking forward to? Vacation in a few weeks, OFFICIALLY entering my second trimester, telling even more people about the babe (without fear!), and AUGUST 4TH...my 16-week appointment. God is good.

And of course, some inspiration...

"We are always obligated in duty to love since we are constantly being given a share in God's goodness and blessings."

Yes, yes, yes.

Have a beautiful week, all.