Because I Said So

I was walking home from work yesterday, thinking about my messed up cycle, and I found myself STUCK on the all-too-familiar question: WHY? Why now, why this, why me? As I spiraled down this rabbit hole and began to obsess on the topic, I started to think about the only other period in my life that I ever asked “WHY?” as often as I do now, and a rare moment of clarity hit me. Stay with me here.

When I was little, I was…spunky. Which is really just a nice word for a big stinkin’ brat. My mom always tells the story of me, when I was five, telling her that “if she would just let me be the mom, we would get along great.” The funny thing is, I remember telling her this. Because I really did believe it was true! As the oldest of five, but an only child for two years at the beginning, I have always battled for attention. It’s something I really dislike about myself, that I try and try to work on, but it’s ingrained in my personality just the same. And because of this, I have been through COUNTLESS battles with my wonderful (and patient) mom. I was not always an easy kid to put up with, I know that, but while she never let me “be the mom,” she never kicked me out on my bum either. She’s pretty great.

Anyway, throughout all of these battles, most of which I lost, because I was the child and not the parent after all, I would constantly find myself asking my mom BUT WHY? You can’t watch TV right now. BUT WHY? You can’t have candy before dinner. BUT WHY?!?! You can’t jump on your brother’s head just because he took your toy. BUT WHY?!?!??!?! It never made sense to me; why couldn’t I just do what I wanted, when I wanted, because I wanted to? Why did I need to follow the rules, when I didn’t even understand them? Why couldn’t I just be the parent and have things my way?! And on many occasions, when I had truly exasperated my mom (and annoyed the beejeezus out of her), she would hit me with the response that I dreaded the most, the one that made my skin crawl and my teeth clench and my blood boil: Because I said so.

What kind of answer is that?! It’s no answer at all, I thought! I wanted more, needed more, was completely unsatisfied with the lack of clarity. I would stomp, yell, cry, but that was always the end of the conversation. Because, after all, my mom didn’t need to explain herself. She was the parent, and I was the child, and that was that.

Because I said so. It sounds so cruel, so ambiguous, so final, doesn’t it? But as an adult, I see this declaration through a fresh lens. (Notice that I said I can SEE IT, not always embrace it!) What I was missing at the time, and, ironically enough, what I still seem to be missing today, is the real meaning behind that response. And in my battle with infertility, it carries a new and important weight.

Did my mom want to keep me from having candy before dinner because she hated me, wanted me to be miserable, wanted to deny my happiness? Of course not, though it may have felt like it at the time. She wanted me to be healthy, strong, and well-fed. As an adult, she knew that her “because I said so” implied all of these desires for my well-being. But what did I hear? You can’t do what you want, and that’s that. The truth is, at the time, I didn’t know what was best for me. I wanted what I wanted, and I couldn’t see past those desires. Arguably, in so many ways, I am still that bratty child begging for candy!

Thank God for earthly and heavenly parents to 'put us in our place' when we need it most.

I am not by any means equating “wanting candy” to “building a family/having children”; they are obviously on completely separate planes and carry different weights in our heart. They are, however, both human desires. And God, our Father, does not grant us each and every passing desire. Because He hates us, wants us to be miserable, wants to deny our happiness? On the contrary—because He loves us so much, cares for us, treasures us, and wants us to be eternally happy with Him in heaven. God's plans for our lives may be mysterious, but in order to achieve perfect happiness, and hopefully join Him in heaven someday, it is our job to obey and honor Him here on earth. Even when he withholds our hearts’ greatest desires. Even when we stomp, yell, cry, and still find that our circumstances have not changed. Even when we ask Him, time and time again, WHY?, and He patiently responds with: Because I said so.

This is SO HARD FOR ME! It is so very hard for me to hear this answer and not feel immediately bothered, agitated, and ‘called into battle.’ I don’t understand, God! Why do you ‘say so?’ I need more answers, more clarity! Please, give me something!

But, as is the case with our wise earthly parents, we must trust in Him. Trust that He has our best interests at heart, always. Trust that He loves us, cares for us, treasures us, and wants us to be eternally happy with him in heaven. Trust that, while we might not understand the ‘why’ here on Earth, we will hopefully understand it when we meet our Lord in heaven. Trust that God’s “Because I said so” is actually the only answer we need.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" --Jeremiah 29:11

I may never be able to stop asking WHY?, or accept "Because I said so" with perfect grace, but for one brief moment, I saw things clearly. I saw my childhood, and how directly it mirrors my adulthood. Mother/Father always know best. Why did I ever think otherwise?

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CD1 has finally greeted me full-force. I’m not sad, like I normally am—I’m just glad I can finally move forward, and that I’m not stuck in limbo anymore. I start Round 3 of Clomid this week with my first trigger shot. I’m nervous, but cautiously hopeful. God, give me strength (and help me not faint at the sight of the needle)!

And, of course, Holy Week is here! I am thankful for the opportunity to take the focus off myself for a bit. Well, try to, at least. I definitely need to take a step back from my problems, and constant whining, and self-pity, and turn outward…help me out here, God! I know my friends and family will appreciate it, too! They’re probably more-than-exhausted by me and my drama… let’s give everyone (including me) a break.

GIVE ME A BREAK, GIVE ME A BREAK, BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT…FANCY FEAST! Nailed it.

(Office fans, anyone?!)

I am praying for all of you ladies TRIPLY this week, that you feel peace and happiness, and that you are able to celebrate the Resurrection with your own sense of joy!!!!!!!!!!

xoxo,