Let's do...

...a little positive report on the changes I am making during this WAITING period, shall we?

I have never been patient, never never never. Not as a baby, during my brief golden period as an only child...not as a toddler...not as a teenager...CERTAINLY not now. I just don't wait well. Oh sure, I can wait if I know it is for something REALLY important, but I don't enjoy it. I am compulsively early to everything, and if ever there are circumstances beyond my control that are causing me to run behind, it literally makes my skin crawl. My logic is that I would never want to make anyone WAIT for me, because I know how much I hate to wait. And obviously there's an element of need-for-control in there, I confess to that. I also think I want to make sure that I'm never missing out on anything. What if the most amazing thing in the entire universe happened at three o'clock on the DOT, and I showed up at five past three? I would never forgive myself!

Unfortunately my husband doesn't share this idea and tends to dilly dally 5-10 minutes on everything...but that's another story, ha!

Anyway, even though I hate to wait, I have done exactly that many times in my life. And yes, my skin was probably crawling and my heart was probably racing, but still, I did it. And I survived. So I know I am capable of waiting, and that when I do, everything still turns out just fine.

That being said, I can say with absolute certainty that I have never been in a period of "waiting" quite like this one.

We are waiting for a baby.

We are waiting for my body to heal.

We are waiting for our hearts to heal.

We are waiting to move out of our apartment.

We are waiting to transition into new jobs that we both enjoy.

We are waiting to finally, finally return home to the Midwest once and for all.

That's a lot of things to wait for, especially for someone who doesn't like to wait. And in the beginning of all of this waiting, I really tried to struggle against the current. I did research, flung myself into planning and scheming, and desperately clung to imaginary timelines, all with the hope that if I just pushed hard enough, I could get the ball rolling on my own. Well, I tried, and I failed. Life just does not work that way. God does not work that way.

I've been lucky in my life that transitions from one place to another, and from one phase to another, have been fairly seamless. So, through the lens of someone who has been fairly spoiled, this "waiting" that has lasted more than a year has at times seemed like a cruel punishment designed to hurt me personally. If I believe in God and believe that He loves me and cares about me, how can I cling to that ridiculous notion? The answer is, I can't. So slowly, surely, and gently, I have been trying to untangle myself from this web of plans I've made. In doing so, I have resigned myself to taking life one day at a time. 

This does not mean that it's been easy--quite the opposite. I struggle with this daily. But at the same time, I know I am headed in the right direction--the direction of complete and total surrender. Not an easy concept for someone who hates to wait, hates to miss out, and has some slight control issues, but still, I know it's the the only way I will ever find peace. Before, sure, I felt like I was "doing things"...but was I at peace? Definitely not. I was stressed, anxious, and frantic, trying to make everything happen on my own. Now, I picture God chuckling at me for all those months, watching me run around like a chicken with its head cut off...and I'm sure the whole time, God was whispering to me...Don't worry, daughter...your time is coming...I am busy planning things for you, you only have to trust in Me.

I hear you, God. Finally. I am going to try to relax and watch Your plans for me unfold. 

So there it is, that's one update. A firm commitment to practicing PATIENCE. May not seem like a big deal, but it is to me!

In other less philosophical news, I have totally revamped my diet. I've cut out (almost) all processed foods, and (almost) all caffeine. I'm eating so many fruits and vegetables that I feel sorta like a hippie. I'm eating nuts, oats, and grains. I'm drinking "green smoothies"...not terrible, actually! I've limited myself to (almost) 4-5 glasses of wine/week. I am exercising 5-6 days/week, and this includes running again! Man am I sore, I can't believe I used to run 7-8 miles/day in college. Was I crazy?! (yes). I am alternating between the elliptical and running, and I feel great. One of these days I will get back to yoga and zumba, when I feel like my body is really ready. Not yet.

I am also reading a little bit every night. Good, solid, constructive books. Currently working on "Silence on Fire" by William Shannon. It's good, but pretty dense. If I read 10 pages every night, I'm happy. Slow and steady wins the race!

Anyway, that's it for now. I just wanted to write down, and reflect on, all of the positive changes that I am making and trying to make. I'm not TOTALLY worthless, after all.

xoxox,

E