Back to Week 6!

On day nine of a Novena to St. Anne, mother of Mary, I received the most amazing news in the entire world...

My precious little baby's heart is beating, and beating strong at 121 bpm. PRAISE THE LORD!

I have so many mixed emotions right now. A few days ago, I didn't even think I'd have the strength to finish this blog and explain what had happened. But after an emotional roller coaster of a week, I am so, so, SO glad to be back. My baby is still with me. God is SO good.

I will give you the reader's digest version of what my week has been like.

6/25- Wind up at the ER around 6 PM with some unusual and slightly concerning symptoms. Trying hard to stay calm but pretty much failing. By the time I leave, I have had blood tests and an ultrasound. The ob-gyn doctor on call in addition to the ER doctor come in to inform me that I have a TWIN pregnancy, with one nonviable, and the other a molar. They told me that the pregnancy on my left side was an empty misshapen sac with nothing growing inside, and the pregnancy on my right side was just a mass of cells that basically equated to a tumor. They told me they were "sorry, but I was going to lose both pregnancies." Heartbreak and devastation, round 2. I broke down, and the doctor had the nerve to call me a "fragile woman." This was my second awful and shockingly misleading visit to the ER with pregnancy-related concerns, and I will certainly be on my guard next time. Left the ER, told to go home and be "very careful," and that I might need emergency surgery the next day. Call my amazing mother, and she hops on a plane the next morning to come stay with me.

6/26- Schedule an appt. with my amazing doctor, arrive with mom and Tim in tow. She explains the situation to me again, tells me that yes, she has seen the ultrasounds and it could in fact be what they explained to me the previous evening, but she wanted to do another ultrasound. So we start a new ultrasound, and lo and behold--the "tumor" is gone without a trace. To this day, my doctor has no idea what happened, simply that it disappeared. What a relief. But, as she moved on to the visible pregnancy, she said that she was not sure what was inside of the gestational sac. She mentioned that it could be an early fetal pole, but could also be something else. She wanted to wait a week and check again, but put my prognosis at only 20-30% of having a viable pregnancy. Although emergency surgery was now off the table, there was nothing to be done to ease my existing fears except wait--my least favorite thing. But I had to, so I did. (Mom went back to IL the next day, after we bought her a lobster dinner for all of her troubles--she is such a trooper!)

6/27, 6/28, 6/29, 6/30, 7/1...waiting, waiting, waiting. I swung back and forth emotionally so many times, from despair, to a glimmer of hope, back to despair, and ultimately to intense prayer. As the days wore on, I began to read more and more from website called "misdiagnosed miscarriages." There were so many stories on there that, oddly enough, kinda sounded like mine. I continued my Novena (that I started before any of this craziness even began!) and prayed the Rosary daily. I asked God to please give my child a heartbeat and a chance at life, but ultimately that His will be done. I knew He would give me strength no matter what happened, and in the end, he certainly did.

7/2- Finally finally finally! My doctor appointment arrived and I was so very nervous. I started the ultrasound with just the tech (who knows me, at this point!) and Tim, because my doctor was running late. I could hardly breathe. They are not really supposed to discuss anything without the doctor present, but sensing my anxiety, she stopped in the middle and told me to hold still. As I did, she pointed to the tiniest little flicker in the corner of the gestational sac and said, "Do you see that? That's your baby's tiny heart beating." I immediately lost it and began to sob! She even asked me if I realized this was GOOD news, and I shouted "Yes, yes, I just can't believe this! It's a miracle!" I cried and cried as she told me that my baby's heart was beating between 119-121 bpm, which was a great number, and that my fetal pole was measuring about 6 weeks 1 day. This makes complete sense and offers a reason for why they could not see anything last week--it was just too tiny! She did say that the tissue present in the sac was still visible, and that it will remain something to watch throughout the pregnancy. Hopefully it is a piece of placental tissue that will decrease in size, and if so, it will not be a concern. And for now, that is the only outcome I choose to think about--the POSITIVE. Where my odds were 20-30% a week ago, they are now about 75%. I am SO excited, and I get more excited with each passing MINUTE!

What an amazing turnaround. And the strange this is, although I definitely despaired in the week leading up to this appointment, on the day of the actual appointment I felt this amazing calm...like everything was going to be fine. My mom admitted afterwards that she had felt the same way. Mother/grandmother's instinct? Perhaps! Now, I feel God more than ever. I know He is blessing this pregnancy, and I know that no matter what happens He will never leave my side. I know that my child is wrapped in God's loving embrace and always will be. I have always believe these things, but now, I believe them with a vengeance. God is all around us, and He will provide.

OK! Enough of this rambling! I decided to start giving you some fast facts that you can read if you just want an update, and not a monologue--ha.

How far along? 6 weeks 2 days, or so they say!

Clothing? My normal wardrobe--for now! But I did invest in a belly band as an early precautionary measure!

Stretch marks? Not yet, hopefully never? Wishful thinking!

Sleep? Strange. Down by 8:30 or 9:00 PM lately...then waking up in the middle of the night to pee...then can't get back to sleep...then zonked all day. It's a blast.

Best moment of this week? Seeing my baby's HEARTBEAT for the very first time!!!!

Worst moment of this week? Feeling sad and scared, when I had no reason to be!

Miss anything? My energy, and a cold glass of Chardonnay!

Movement? Nothing yet!

Symptoms? Tired, SO hungry, then not hungry at all, cranky, sore, and nauseous--the whole shebang! But I don't mind them AT ALL, if it means peanut is healthy! Oh yeah, and I suddenly can't eat chicken without gagging. WTH?

Food cravings? Cheese in all forms, and pizza!

Gender? Mom ALREADY cast her vote as a girl, but I have no feeling either way yet!

Labor Signs? Heck no.

Belly button in or out? Firmly IN!

Wedding rings on or off? On!

Mood? Sad, then scared, then hopeful, then scared, then HAPPY!!!! The happiest I have ever been, EVER!!!

Looking forward to? Vacation in Charleston, we leave on Sunday! Time to relax, and lounge, and finally FINALLY start to bond with this baby, without fear! I know God wants me to abandon my fears and that is what I intend to do!

That's all for now...thanks as always for the love, support, and many prayers. Love and miss you all so very much!

XOXO, E