I have overcome the World

I have been thinking about this blog, and writing posts in my head for the last week, but haven't had the energy or nerve to put anything down on 'paper.' But last night, after feeling particularly low, I believe I did receive a sign from God. Nothing crazy, or exceptionally out of the ordinary, just a little wink from the Big Guy. And what I took from this sign was God's acknowledgment that, hey, you're not okay right now, but you will be--I promise.

We had CRAZY storms for a couple of hours last night. Wild winds, violent rain, and even golf-ball-sized hail in the town next door! But when it was all over, Tim and I saw the most beautiful double rainbow I've ever seen. It was so clear, and so vivid, that it almost looked like a TRIPLE rainbow. In fact, Tim and I both agreed that the shadow of a third rainbow was just barely visible, if you strained your eyes and looked very closely.

I felt Savannah and Anne in that moment. I am not the first to interpret this natural phenomenon as a 'sign of hope,' and I will not be the last, but it really is an incredible feeling to spot a rainbow after a storm. And a double rainbow, on top of that. Two rays of light for my two girls. And, like I said, when I really strained my eyes...when I really looked, and wanted to see it, and believed that I saw it, a third ray of light could be seen.

Hope on top of hope, and even more hope on top of that. God is with us. I can feel Him, and I know He will never abandon us. Not now, not ever.

It's been really hard. Lately I have been reading the blogs of other women in my situation, and I am amazed by their strength. But the more time passes, the more I realize what I suspect they have already realized. There is no option other than to keep going. Fear is at my heels every day now. I have lost my innocence when it comes to pregnancy, and that is a fact I cannot escape or reverse. But even as fear chases me, and threatens to ruin all that is good in my life, I know that I must soldier on. I have to keep going, and I have to keep trying. There is no other option.

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

He has overcome the world. Nothing can harm me if I take shelter in God. I am so weak, but He is strong. Cloaked in His Almighty power, I will not be defeated.

I miss my girls every single day, but I know they are with their heavenly Father. And I pray for the chance to hold just one of their brothers or sisters here on Earth. I am already a mother, but I hope to be a mother here on Earth as well.

It's testing and blood draws and consultations for the next few months. I will update when I have the strength to.

Until then, love and prayers.

xoxo,

E